May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully out of place. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But yes, confident, let us have another put the place American Males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he ought to stop working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Place, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting consideration from Global traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will also include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person Trump Tower Damascus @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel in which my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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